Sometimes I send a link to my writings to my mother. Today I forgot my mother’s email address. I’ll send her a nice Mothers’ Day card instead.

Disclaimer

You remember the blog that I’m worried I’ll get fired over??? Well this is it. I pre-apologize for anything that you don’t like contained in this epistle. I don’t really believe anything I write, and this is all a farcical ramble anyway, so that should cover me for anything over which you might find yourself affronted.

Seriously, if you are prone to get mad about literary punditry aimed at irresponsible fun and bad decisions, just click the X in the right hand corner and go about your business. Someone from MIB will be by in a minute to wipe your memory clean.

By continuing, you agree to not get offended and also not to do anything stupid due to drinking like a college person. Don’t be the butt of the phrase “I remember my first beer.”

But back to the main point.

Good Ole Alabama

I love Alabama; but like anything you love, she hasn’t always been perfect.

Alabama is on the primal days of an awakening that would move our society from the ‘everyone is going to Hell’ judgments that invite comments like “we didn’t know you owned shoes” to the practical realization that good people make good decisions and not every scenario in life needs an encased-in-concrete set of regulations.

On the front lines of this educational enterprise are the upstanding thirst-quenchers at Free the Hops, a grassroots, nonprofit organization, whose mission is to bring the highest quality beers in the world to Alabama. This group has been instrumental in the revision in state law that now allows you to auger in at The Nook and huddle over any brew slightly stronger than a cold Miller Light. Next time you delight in the refreshment of an expertly poured Bell’s Two-Hearted Ale, offer a silent big round of applause to these guys.

Ok, but how do we relate this to what’s going on this weekend in the former realm of Twickenham?

Time to Celebrate

One of Free the Hops’ next constructive moves was to establish and support a North Alabama Festival celebrating fine beers from around the world. Those of us who remember innocently pulling on a locked cooler door at a C-Store on a Sunday know how far we’ve come that in only 10 or so years we’ve gone from that to a fully sanctioned festival honoring the formerly prohibited swill.

So the Fourth Annual Rocket City Brewfest is this Friday and Saturday at the Depot Fairgrounds downtown. The details on the Rocket City Brewfest are listed for you on their website.

The Rocket City Brewfest is held over the course of two independent sessions: Both begin at Beer: Thirty.

Friday Evening Session  Friday, May 11 from 6:00PM to 11:00PM
Saturday Afternoon Session  Saturday, May 12 from 3:00PM to 8:00PM

I really don’t know any other way to promote this yeasty caucus other than the manner which has been decided by the little spirits that sit on either of my shoulders. So yes, for those of you keeping score at home….this is a straight-forward, no bullshit encouragement to brush right up against the line between a rice-sack full of fun and completely over-served. I mean, after all, it’s a festival about beer.

What the Critics Say

Side note…Sometimes I get stuck in the process of dreaming up what to write, and I just can’t make anything good appear on the magic box screen. In these scenarios, I like to browse through funny quotes seeking inspiration. This is how I started writing today, and whether I did any good, you tell me.

But it occurred to me that I don’t need to tell you all the cool things about Beerfest nearly as much as I just need to get you excited about drinking beer.

So first, some quotes that tie into the frivolous and playful art of consumption. No references, no credits, just pure unsullied plagiarism. Got a problem with that? Please feel free to resort to litigation.

Here are a few quotes to inspire you:

“So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?” –“Damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I’m the asshole!”
“Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
“Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it’s so good.”
“Hey… I’m drunk, you’re drunk… everybody’s drunk!”
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”
“A fine beer may be judged with only one sip; but it’s better to be thoroughly sure.”
“Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and to celebrate the good days.”
“I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night.”
“I love football and beer and have a normal girlfriend.”
“This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our Maker, and glory to His bounty, by learning about….beer.”
“Bartendress: Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring one every ten minutes.”

Bring on The Competition

Secondly, if the quotes don’t get you excited to lift a pint, then maybe your competitive side will delight in one of an assortment of cocktail-reliant contests. Not that I’ve played these, but if I did, I might just be well-capable of emerging victoriously.

Drinko: Plinko with shot glasses. The anticipation of each drop will fill your heart with gladness.

Battleship: Perhaps a picture is best. Brilliant.

Beer Battleship

Beer Pong: If you don’t know how to play by now, you clicked the “X” box on the browser in paragraph 3.

Civil War: 6 man no-holds-barred variant on the previous table top pastime. I’ve seen grown men leg sweep each other to gain a competitive advantage.

Pyramids, Circle of Death, P&A, Edward FortyHands, Buffalo (put your right hand in your back pocket), Quarters, Century Club, Flip Cup, Kings, Depth Charge, 7-14-21 (or as my brother and I lovingly call it, “the dice game we’ll never again play with Neighbor Tim.”)

Your call….all are fun (yet perhaps dishonorable) ways to celebrate your drink of choice.

So wipe your beer goggles clean and check your pockets for traces of your dignity. If you don’t think that Beerfest is the place to be this weekend, then why don’t you go back to your strip malls and drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices?

Kinzer